How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.