Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
You really flipturn me on.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Can you drive my car?
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?