“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
Long time no sea.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"