‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.

The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.

I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.

You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.

What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad

You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.

What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef

My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown

How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!

Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!

When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser

The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.

I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.

“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown

What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator

Irish I may, Irish I might.

I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.

Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.

“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown

"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy

We’re a perfect mash.

What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!

“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”

― Rossana Condoleo

Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.

"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"

- Jack LaLanne

I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.

I put the “man” in Manitoba.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Butch.

Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.

When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.

Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.

What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.

You had me at taco.

What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!

What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.

My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.

I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.