A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.