Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
You sleigh me.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
You are so right. And I am so left.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
You are the object of my preposition.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts