What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler