Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
You remind me of my last biking accident. Because I am going head over heels for you.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.