Thank brew very much.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
You had me at ruff.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Feeling fintastic.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!