Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
I beg your garden?
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.