I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Nice pumpkins!
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
You’re the queen of my heart.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot