What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
This foundation is rock salad.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
In on the ground flora.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)