Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.