“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Prepare to be bowled over.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
Fir sure.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.