Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"It's not me, it's you!"
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
You're my missing ingredient.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”