I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.