How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Seas the day.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.