Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.