Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.