What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
I've only got three months to live.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
You’re my lucky charm.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.