What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
I scored when I met you.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
You look like trash, may I take you out?
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
Long thyme no see.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.