May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
You have goat to be kidding me.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Shave a single shingle thin.
Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown