Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
You look a lot like my next victim.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie