Haida there, gorgeous.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
I always have a ball with you.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
"Yoda one for me."
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.