What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!