Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Baby, you rock my world!
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.