HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Having a ball
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
We have great chemis-tree.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Owl always love you.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.