Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
It's always a first class trip with me.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Have you botany plants lately?
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
"Just one hot chick."
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous