I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.

"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."

- Marsha Doble

What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.

Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.

Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."

They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.

Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.

Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.

How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!

What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”

The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.

“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!

All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.

How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.

When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.

Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld

What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.

“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith

I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.

Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.

Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.

Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.

Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.

You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!

My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.

I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?

What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.

Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.

I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.

What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.

My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.

Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!

“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger

Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.

An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.