Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
I beg your garden?