Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
You sweep me off my feet!
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Talk literary to me.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.