My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.