"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.