I’m feelin’ pine.

What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.

Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.

How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.

If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?

You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.

What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?

What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.

"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.

Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.

Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!

Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.

What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.

Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.

Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.

“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”

I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?

What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.

Water you doing, my friend?

My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.

What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet

Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!

If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.

What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.

Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!

I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?

What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger

I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.

“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous

Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.

Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.

Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.

What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.

The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.

What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!

What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”

There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.

Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.

Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.

What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!

Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!

What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.