Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
I think therefore I yam.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort