What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Dublin over in laughter.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"