Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.