How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Beer-lieve it or not!
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
It’s snow joke.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Girls just wanna have sun!
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.