The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.