What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.

Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.

“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”

- Alfred North Whitehead.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!

Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.

You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.

Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.

Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.

“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan

Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.

Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.

The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!

What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.

Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”

What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET

My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.

My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.

What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.

What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!

I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.

Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.

What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus

Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.

In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.

How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!

"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard

Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.

The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!