Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Want to go for a ride?
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown