Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.

“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke

“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir

What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"

Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’

The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!

Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.

I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

- Bob Hope

Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.

"I don't tan. I burn"

Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.

“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.

When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!

What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!

What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.

How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!

Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.

What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."

- Immortal Souls.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.

Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.

How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.

Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!

Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.

My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.

Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.

Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.

How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.

Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.

What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker

Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.

I dreamt about you. You died.

Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.