Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Know what? I dig you, really!
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Calm before the score
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.