I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.