Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
You're the thought that counts!
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers