What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.