What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt

After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!

Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.

Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.

An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."

- Bill Maher

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw

Thank brew very much.

You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.

What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.

"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.

Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!

What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.

What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.

My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now

What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs

Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.

The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.

Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.

What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.

What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!

"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."

What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.

Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."

When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”

The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.

You can put your hands at my heart’s center.

Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.

A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!

What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone

I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.

As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"

Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!

Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.

In Ireland, I call the shots.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.

Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.

Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.

What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.

How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.

When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.

At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.