Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
I only have ice for you.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!