What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.

How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.

Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!

What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!

You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.

A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.

Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!

The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.

There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?

Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.

If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.

You had me at cello.

Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?

I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!

Prepare to be bowled over.

We need to cover more ground so we should split up.

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.

“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown

Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!

The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.

What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.

I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.

My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.

Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.

What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.

Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.

What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.

“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.

Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!

Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!

Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.

I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers