Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
I fence-y you.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
Snow thank you.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
I’m feelin’ green.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.