What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
I like you sow much.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
You are sweeter than 3.14.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.