What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
It's ice to meet you.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.