How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.