Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
“Every mile is two in winter.”
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
Shes a fairy realistic person.
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
I'll light your fire for you if you want!