What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Pugs and kisses.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Here's to a big opening weekend.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”