I’m feelin’ green.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
Readers do it by the book.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Werewolves love their fast food.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks