My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
"I wood never leaf you."
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
You’re brew-tiful!
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.