Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?