Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.

What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.

What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.

My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.

Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?

What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.

What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.

I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl

“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde

You seem a little mer-mad.

Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.

I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.

"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.

Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.

My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)

What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.

Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.

What does a spy do in the rain?

He goes undercover.

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.

What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.

Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!

“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters

What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”

If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.

A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."

What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.

What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.

I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.

"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”

- Nora Ephron.

Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!

The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic

Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.

How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.

Herb your enthusiasm.

Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard

Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.

My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!

"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James

"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."

Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.