What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
You are the square to my root.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play