My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.

You are my raisin to smile.

Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.

Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.

What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic

Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.

Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.

Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.

The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'

"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown

"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.

I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”

Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed

When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.

You are shrimply the best!

A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."

Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

Werewolves love their fast food.

Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.

My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.

“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”

“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”

Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.

Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.

Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.

What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.

I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.

Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy

Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!

What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.

I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.

Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!

Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.

Do you beer-lieve in magic?

- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.

What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.

If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.