What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
You make me want to Twist and Shout
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.