Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!

Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.

You’re sleigh-in’ it.

What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.

How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?

I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.

What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”

“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard

Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.

What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”

I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.

The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous

Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.

Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.

What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!

Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.

My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley

Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!

My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.

What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.

Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.

Having a ball this weekend with my best friends

What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”

If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.

Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.

Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.

Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.

Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?

What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.

I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.

What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?

Van Hailin’.

My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!

What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.

We bee-long together.