What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
Nice beach balls, can I play?
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.