Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.