Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
Witch you were here.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
"Partners in wine."
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid