What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.

You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.

Best in snow.

Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.

When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.

An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”

What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.

Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.

What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.

What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz

Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.

Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!

For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.

My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"

She said: "Either ore."

You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.

What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI

“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder

"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe

What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!

Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?

“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”

- Conan O’Brien.

I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin

What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.

Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.

"Be kind, re-wine."

My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.

How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.

If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton

What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.

Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.

I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.

What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.

I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!

Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.

I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them

Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.

What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!

Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.