A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.