A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
Your love will always be up to par.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?