I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.