I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.