What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!

My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."

Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.

Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.

There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.

How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.

I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.

If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.

What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.

I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.

The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.

They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.

Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.

The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.

What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.

How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.

What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.

How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

I love you deerly.

Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.

Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!

When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.

I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.

What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.

A brain aneurysm would be swell.

What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"

What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.

I’m feelin’ green.

What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.

When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.

My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.

Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.

Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”

How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.

What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.

I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.

I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.

What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.

My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"

What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!

Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.

"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."

- Amit Kalantri

What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.