I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Your good weed for the day.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...