My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
"Sip happens."