Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.

When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?

When it’s not raining.

I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.

A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

Knock knock!

Who is there?

Beaver

Beaver who?

Be-ware of the turbulent river.

What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.

I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.

I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.

Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.

“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”

- Chris Rock.

You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.

Love at frost sight!

Witch you were here.

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!

Sleigh, what?!

Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.

As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.

You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.

When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"

What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

This is snow laughing matter!

The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.

I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.

Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot

Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!

Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?

What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.

You're the thought that counts!

What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.

Wear green, or leaf.

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons

When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.

Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!

I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive

Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.