A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
My weekend is fully booked.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
Leave poetry to the prose.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.