I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
It's lit.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
Trowel and error.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Werewolves love their fast food.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
You are my butter-half!
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"