What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.

"You round me out." — High Card Band

You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.

Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.

Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.

"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt

Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz

What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.

Who’s your paddy?

Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.

Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.

“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”

What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.

What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!

Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.

Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”

- Wayne H

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.

Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.

The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.

Icy what you did there.

What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!

I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.

Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.

Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY

Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.

Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.

I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.

There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!

How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?

If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.

“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown

How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.

Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.

“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”

"Sweet Misery"

When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!

— Susanna Rose

What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.

Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.