What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?