I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.

How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.

Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister

Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.

What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”

“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”

What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...

I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!

What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.

“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”

- Robert Brault

“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball

What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!

What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.

If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"

Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!

Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.

"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer

Mind if my comet enters your solar system?

“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer

Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.

They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.

Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.

I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.

Sips getting real.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.

Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!

It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age!

I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.

Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner

Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.