What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Biology - It grows on you.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."