How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Icy what you did there.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.