Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!