What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.

The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!

Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time

Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!

She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.

Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!

If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!

You are hot to the core, aren’t you?

Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.

Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!

I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!

What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.

I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.

I put the “man” in Manitoba.

What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.

I give roughing a whole new definition.

Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.

"I whip my hare back and forth."

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"

Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.

Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.

"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous

Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.

Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!

An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.

Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.

Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.

What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.

The sound of my bones really cracks me up.

Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!

I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

- Cary Grant.

What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.

Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.

“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray

What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”

Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.

“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.