What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.

Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.

What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.

What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!

I’m a fraction – be my other half.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!

“You’re my soul Santa.”

"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."

– Sadhguru

I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.

What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.

Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.

Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door

Sometimes you have to green and bear it.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Eggs - the original boneless chicken.

Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.

I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.

“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.

Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!

If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.

What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.

Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?

“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais

What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!

Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green

What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter

If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.

How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”

“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous

“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”

So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.

When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.

What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.

Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!

“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait

What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.