Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
Yule be sorry.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
This foundation is rock salad.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.