It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
"I need to re-wine my life."
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.