Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out