What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens