When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
French, French Revolution
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Join us for plenty of play action.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
It's ice to meet you.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.