“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Hey summer, long time no sea!
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West