“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
"Bugs and hisses."
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.