"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
There’s snow one like you.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad