"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous

There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.

"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.

What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.

Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.

The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.

What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”

"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde

My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over

Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.

Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!

If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.

Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question

I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.

I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them

A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.

I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

A little less conversation, a little more action please.

I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.

Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.

"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous

Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.

What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.

"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

Red lorry, yellow lorry.

What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.

A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?

I like you a latke!

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg

What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."

What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!

“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.

"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.

A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.

What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.

Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.

Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.

I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.