Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.