"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton