A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
"Bury me next to a straight man."
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.