The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
"Partners in wine."
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
We've reached the point of snow return.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
You have a pizza my heart.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Werewolves love their fast food.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi