Can you give me directions…to your heart?
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
"You make me egg-static."
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.