Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.