What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
I hope for world peas.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
My skate blade is not the only thing made of steel.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.