How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
I want to stretch with you.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)