I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.