Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
I think we'd make a cute pear.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.