Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Some people like to play croc-quet.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
It takes one to snow one.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm