You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
"You had me at merlot."
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.