How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
I think therefore I yam.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve