If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Every piece of you is sweet.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.