If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.