What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
You snow the drill.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
You had me at ruff.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.