My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.