What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.