“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Tropic like it's hot.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.