A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott