What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
I beacha miss summer already!
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
I think we need to become better strangers.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
You're my purr-son.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!