Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Where my prose at?
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles