Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Do you comma here often?
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
"Say you'll be wine."
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Eddie edited it.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.