Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate