Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.

What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!

My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”

“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”

A router and a modem got married.

They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

German Wi-Fi is the WURST.

What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!

My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee

My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.

The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.

I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.

“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan

“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.

My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.

My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.

What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”

- Douglas Adams.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.

Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?

Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.

Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!

I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!

Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.

How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.

Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.

I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too

What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.

Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat

A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.

"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "

It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.

If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.

Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.

“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"

“Dachshund Through the Snow.”