I couldn't chair less!
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.