I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
We bee-long together.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Join us for a slice of fun.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.