Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Make it rein.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
Hypochondriacs aren't OK