“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.