There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”