How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.