Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Snow thank you.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
"Some people have no guts."
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.