If you where a sheep I would clone you.

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

How did the Pilgrims die?

It was the Pil-grim Reaper.

How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.

What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.

Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.

What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.

Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!

Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.

We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.

Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!

The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!

Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.

What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?

Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.

Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!

If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.

“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan

What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.

What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!

Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.

When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo

Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor

Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.

Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.

What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel

What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.

Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

You met all of my koala-fications

How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.

Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...