I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.