What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
Would you like to share fire with me?
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
My love for you is like no otter.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
I find my core strength in you.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.