How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
You're hotter than a data center!
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
You look a lot like my next victim.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.